Stayed

She loved me, I am sure
I did too, though I never disclosed
My eyes were fond of her or she chose to remain in my line of sight, I don't really know
Eternity passed by in a second and I couldn't care less
as I saw her sashay down the street
She came up to me like any other day
One look at her and I knew it wasn't.
A broken smile, eyes pleading to play waterfall
She left without a hug, a goodbye.
Life struck me in that one moment, right in this heart here
Today, I live in make-beliefs I won't ever announce
The breeze sometimes brings the perfume of her hair
I get up before dawn to see the last of the stars
Knowing somewhere in the world, we are together in that.
Days turn nights, nights turn days
She never wrote, I too never did.
I traverse that street every once in a while
See little us playing hide n seek
The last she ever said was "I can't stay"
How wrong she was, I know today
For that memory of her stayed
That look on her face stayed
As beat in my heart, she stayed.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

You've been all over me like a spell

October 6, 2012
22:00 hours.

Status: Flipping photographs and smiling!

October 7, 2012
00:12 hours

Status: Still him. Smiling more!

00:26 hours

Um. *Smiles*

I can't help it. When this feeling takes over, when he is all I see, I just can't help but be this crazy little girl in love, over to the moon and back. Not our neighbor moon. I meant Pluto's Charon. [No you don't get to tell me we ain't counting them two in the family. You cannot banish planets out the system for some technicality they didn't live up to].

Anyway, *smiles*...

Look at him. Just *sigh*...how love glitters in his eyes, how his smile, that child-like laugh speaks of his sincerity...how he bows down at the ramp after every concert and thanks his fans for coming, for being his support throughout... how he makes an effort to make someone feel on top of the world... how his face is that of a happy man in love when with her... how he is thousands of miles away yet the closest one can ever get ...how he sings somewhere far off yet here that very song lights up some never-visited corners of my life, renders me speechless, flying in a bubble of sweetness... how even in those shattered days and lifeless nights, when I crawl back in my shell, refusing and rejecting the world, when I let dreams fly off in fog and desires burn in the fire of time, how I make him an exception, how I let him in. And how he, like a friend, listens minus the advice, puts me to sleep with his lullaby, hugs my dreams, sets alive my tomorrows... how he makes me fine each time.

People came, People left. Some changed me, some I changed; while with some things stayed unaltered. Life moved, Time ticked. Darkness loomed, Sunshine smiled. Some raindrops had me dancing, some camouflaged the tears I rained. Some winters I wore cute jackets, some I walked alone in, uncovered, uncared for, unloved.

But was I? Not really.

He walked along. Sometimes as a song, sometimes as a memory, sometimes waving a high from my  wallpaper, sometimes making me smile as I listened to the 'fan calls' he made and recorded. Sometimes
accompanying me to a haircut, his voice reverberating in the background. Sometimes at a silent lunch, playing as a tune in my mind. Sometimes being that push to pick the pen when I cease to write or rhyme. Sometimes as a shadow, sometimes as the sun. Sometimes as the wind hugging me and Always, always being that one person, one hope, one dream I never let go of. The one I sleep hugging each night, kissing it, sealing with a prayer or two. The one that smiles in my eyes each time I say his name. How I skip my birthdays often but cut a cake on his, wishing him happiness and success, wherever he is. How they call him my obsession, how I smile and say nothing at all.

How today, of all days, I just want to look him in the eyes and say I love him. Always will.
For in this world of variables, he is my constant.
For in this open ocean, he is the anchor holding me down, keeping me sane.
And if there are lifetimes ahead, I choose him.

Enrique, sólo quiero decir que estoy enamorado de ti.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Not a Long Time Ago, Not in a Galaxy Far Far Away

Her face lit up. As if something just passed through her. As if something just jolted back life in her. Her eyes, which were as dim as that lonesome lamp breathing its last in the attic of her heart, fluttered open. I couldn't help but notice how she blinked twice, as if signaling something, how her Belgian chocolate eyes melted in a fraction of microseconds and sparkled in a way that a billion lifetimes would fall short for me to phrase it. My stare bothered her, or so I thought. I let my eyes wander while my heart had it's gaze fixed on her. Her lips moved, my heart stopped playing its song. She was about to say something or was it just me waiting how, after all these years, my name in her voice would sound? With bated breath, I waited. Her otherwise glossy lips lay sheen-less today, pressed together as if controlling a sigh. She was calm but I could tell the building torment, the forced-lull before she rained.

While a hopeful me was looking for a hint of a smile, that quiver sent shivers down my spine. She was trying too hard, as always, to show she didn't care but as each second gave way to the next, she shattered. And that very moment I knew it wasn't me all this time, the one she was watching. Is it him again, I thought to myself? Yet again, I was choking. As the realization of my presence dawned upon her, she gathered her composure. For a second then, she met me. The kind of meeting that lights something inside you and you can't help but stand there, let it happen. A blink and over. She looked away. A part of me stopped living right about then. And the rest of me dared to turn, soul-clenched.

Clad in white, with a tiara dazzling in her hair, she smiled through her veil. No matter how tantalizing her persona was, she fell short of mesmerizing me today. The scene I had just left haunted me, had me in pieces. The scene I was witnessing failed to beckon me. They say this is the most amazing moment of one's life when you see her looking at you through that veil, matching her father's footsteps when she walks down that aisle to you. My bride had just arrived. My heart, captivated in moments, seemed paralyzed. What I never saw in the greens, the browns had it all this time. What I forever searched in smiles, that tear, that quiver answered it all. As I took a step forward, I could see the veiled greens overjoyed while behind me, she sighed and I could hear her muffled cry. I could give her the world back then, she knew. I could do the same today, she had no clue. The tinkle of her bracelet lingered in the air as she held her hands together so as to hold herself from holding me back today. Gathering all my courage, I hugged the girl in white and imploring, I confessed that I couldn't marry her tonight. With eyes welling and love stirring, I told her how that lost piece of puzzle standing right behind completes me, how she defined my life. I finally knew she reciprocated. In those million 'You're an Idiot' she fired at me and smiled, she confessed her love in her style. Only I was too blind to see it and today, on the wedding night, I know what I need, we need.

I guess I saw a glint of happiness in those green eyes. Perplexed I was, trying to find the right set of words. She put off her veil, hugged me back and whispered "I've known it all this while." Before I could make a move, the veil was set back again. In tears, her eyes met mine. It seemed as if a waterfall of melted chocolate just found home in my heart. My universe she owned the moment, saying her vows, she whispered my name.

Eight years later today, I go back. Yet again. To witness time unravel possibilities, to see eyes confess an eternity, to hear that tinkling bracelet again; Not a Long Time Ago, Not in a Galaxy Far Far Away; to be there, love her, all over again

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Let life breathe

Cos eventually
no matter the memories attached
the promises professed
the reasons upheld
the words underplayed,
the road does fork.

And you stand there
take a moment
let a tear or two trickle by while they still can
gulp down the unsaid
cut loose the string of hope binding the unheard
take down a few shots
to not contemplate a way out
but enjoy getting lost in the dream maze.

Chances we take, we give
to life, to self, to time
die this once to live again
cry this last to smile again
let go to hold on to something again
a hand, a heart, a hope
or maybe it's finally the day
when you pick that microphone
sing so the world listens
while the karaoke is still on
while the moment is still yours
smile in farewell to what was
welcoming what is, will be
Let life breathe.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Paris is where you are

A fifteen-day gilded romance it was
Right by the Eiffel, in heavy downpour
Sealed at the drop of her camera, his pen
Blooming at the very spot they stumbled, smiled
took their respective directions and went.

Coffee glazed his notebook involuntary
Or were her eyes conjuring a spell
Was the click that captured her smile, a sheer luck
Or was his heart finally waking up to the flicker of love
While they resisted, a part of them already had taken the leap of faith.

Walking side by side on different sidewalks
The distance closed on in or was it them
A slight touch of the back of hands
A spark, she smiled, he smiled
Love struck.

Pink cotton candies, gummy bears and icy mocha
Entangled in the moments their hearts raced laying side by side
By the musical fountains they kissed
The clouds roared, lightning blazed the sky
As if angels clapped and clicked pictures up high.

Slow footsteps walked to Eiffel
A wrinkled fist held red roses, shimmering in sparkles
A tiny shadow accompanied the hunchbacked
The full moon beamed as if welcoming an old friend back
And a silent drizzle the sky wore.

He sat by her but she didn't take his hand
In hope of that smile, he flew over continents
Laying roses in her lap, he then took her name
Not a whisper, not a sound, his heart broke again
The child, in silence, held on to the tears that slid down his face.

And then he got up, adjusted his tie
If he let it all out, eternity would fall short to cry
The fountains he saw and let drown in oceans of his eyes
"You want cotton candies, Isabel?", clearing his throat, he asked
"I love you, Grandpa", the little girl's voice did an echo dance.

Racing his hand on the headstone, he sighed
Kissing her name, he whispered "Goodbye"
And walked on, slowly, to the vendor nearby
While the little girl, stayed, reading the inscription, moist eyes.

"In Paris life learned to live, love smiled.
In Paris lay me finally for it's here I can forever survive".

And then she opened the note the roses enveloped
yielding a slanting cursive, it read:

"I know you won't speak but I hear you breathe, I hear you cry
I know time is such that I today I cannot lay by your side
holding your hand, listening your song, hugging you to sleep, dusk to dawn.
I take medicines on time but they say I have 6 months
Next year on our anniversary, I might not have to come
For by then I'd rob you off here
For by then I'll make Paris for you up there".

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Does it look like DAMN is served here?

Was reading 'Tonight I can write the saddest lines' by Pablo Neruda when THIS happened.

I am writing
To not loathe
To not lament
To not transfer even a static of undercurrent I've been living in.
I am just scribbling
names, games, dates, a list titled 'I HATE'
for disappointment does shatter
when once in a blue moon you knock those doors
the ones you lent a hand in putting up
when the world hurled stones
when the very place was world war zone.
Some
don't open up
Others
don't recognize
And when you are about to thank thy mercy of a few
for that welcoming smile
you realize
it's Plaster of Paris
it's as fake as it could be.
For when you took a step in
they didn't move aside,
Rather
stood fixed to the spot
as if hypnotized.
Don't know why
my eyes don't flutter open in surprise
Cos maybe at the back of my mind
I kept room for your royal despise.

Am I packing my bags today?
No. You are.
Am I singing a rap?
You decide.
Are you invited to mend?
In your dreams.
Am I exaggerating?
Wow. Thanks for extrapolating.
Are you gonna give me the 'I don't care'?
Well, I am better at it if you didn't make out yet.
Are your apologies gonna rain?
*Smiles*... Not again.
What is this about?
Maybe ask yourself this same thing
each time when you need me and I am around
and when at all it's a reversal, I am chucked out.
Bravo, such a star you are
Why don't you just stay up in space
Why fall each time some lunatic makes a wish
Why hope for one of your kind
when evidently, I pity that you even exist.
Anyway, enough said
How'd your ice cream taste
A few drops of reality
Voilà! Ain't it great?
Catch ya next time
or well, how about NEVER!
Cos seriously
Even swagger
was laid to rest by your acerbity.
So, Bye
the count begins
1, 2..
FUCK IT, 10!

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

P.S. Does my pen bleed red after I finish?
Oh NO!
Cockroaches got it white. Got it white.

So very everyday

A random band
A few words sung
and you're won.
A sip and half mug of hot coco
A peaceful night
and you're reading.
A sudden sound
A door opens
"oh hey, Wind!" and it pours.
A hopeful you
A message buzz
and you smile.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

I seek

I seek assurance
every time I look at you
Unblinking
Just listening to the sound
of how you may say it this time
Would you, at all?
Or will I cross this Rubicon alone.

I seek remembrance
when I sometimes escape the world
hoping maybe this time I'd deceive time
and sit by the stars
forever
as years take a flight back
behind fascinated eyes.
Do you see me
as I see you tonight
Or is it just me all over again?

I seek that happiness
the one that drenched me in colors
I knew no shades of,
in folds of which
I vanished for those winter nights
the ring of your name, it was
I say it again today
but it has lost it's perfume
and sound.
Are you there
or like everything I ever loved,
you too are going...
Gone?

I seek me
in your eyes
in your arms
in your dreams
in your life
in your lies
in your excuses
in your tears
in your home
in your silences
in your smile
but where I finally did find myself
it was
in your goodbye.

So today,
I seek you
to tell you I'm fine
to smile and ask how you are
to hug you and say I'll remember you
to hold your hand one last time
to feel how I felt all these years
and slowly, let go
of everything I wanted
of everything that could be
let flashes of lightning
pour sparkles on me
let clouds sashay in
and rob away what I used to be with you
let rain wash away
memories
and
let you
lose me.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

A Handful of Happiness

For when they rest their hands on your fingers, the world is a beautiful place.
For when they look at you, they melt away the ice bergs that reign within.
For when they sleep on your hand, you know they trust you with their dreams, that you won't move a lot and break them.
For when you have loved a kitten, you know you have been it's life.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry

Why walk when you can fly

Couldn't fly no more
on the sidewalk lay broken wings
While so in love, she had her eyes closed all through
Searching in his whispers a few words assuring he felt it too
One was holding her hand while in the other he carried a dagger
Even the sometime cloying demeanor couldn't cloak his swagger.

With wings clipped
With eyes still drenched in ambivalence
With every dream ever packed and sent to stars
With memories of those 100 days he ever spared in years, when they met.
She writhed in suffocation
She crawled in pain
She turned around one last time
To let his face drown in her tears
For keepsake
For life
For death.

The colors started to fade
The closing credits were to roll
The life she ever wished for was to end before the start
Holding her broken self
Leaving a part of her behind
Unfazed by what the world might hurl
Struggled, pulled through
Vowed to not look back and start anew
Hopped onto the open palm
Of the one who in midst of tears, made her smile.

In his hues of blue, her pain scattered to yield a rainbow
In his limitless self, he gave her falling self a definition.

© 2012 Neha Choudhry