Storm Chaser

I never did quite understand how I could absolutely love something so destructive. Maybe it was always the proximity of pain associated with it or the imperfections it painted on the picture perfect life. Or maybe I liked the feeling of finality in the phrase 'Ashes to ashes, dust to dust'. It could be the gait or the way it blows your mind looking at it for real, approaching you to engulf you, feast upon whatever still keeps you sane. The moment you meet enshrouded in the thundering blankets, maybe the memory of that breathlessness still keeps you from breathing, at times. And when it whirlpools the way out into the infinite again, it marks you as his own in bruises no other lover could bear the sight of and leave you the kind of vulnerable no rebound would be able to satiate ever.

I never did quite understand how I could absolutely love something so destructive. Not until I met you.

Not until I left you.

© 2014 Neha Choudhry

Image source: http://bit.ly/1ftYWdo

Letters Huddled Together

... And so I picked up what was left
Pieces of what will be forgotten soon under layers of dust
I held them close for once
To you I dedicated my last dance
Humming the tune to the song I once chose
To walk down the aisle to, in my hand concealing a little pink rose.

Tonight, too, it felt like walking on clouds
Only this time they thundered, scattered and took me down
My words lost their letters
As what was all glitters
Crashed
Turned ash.

I could fight it, I knew
Saving a sapling I could plant it anew
And hope this time it grows
To gift me that one pink rose
But when all you shed was acid in name of rain
I chose to let death take over, dignify the endless pain.

So walk with me this last
Don't take my hand if I start to speed by fast
Just breathe in time with me for a few more moments
Lets just sync heartbeats until frozen
And never see eye to eye
While I disappear before you remember to say goodbye...

© 2014 Neha Choudhry

source: http://imgfave.com/view/1618075

Fog, Fantasy & So-very-everyday

Glaze paper planes
Every day I make one
Tiny people, matchstick men
In folds of each I place one
Who knows which eyelash wish I blow
lands on one and it takes off
Or maybe some falling star
Sneaks in my room as I sleep
and steals one.

It rained today and I also heard
that the fog is so dense, flights won't go
I sat cross-legged on the floor
With my colored patchwork PJ's on
And pictured your smirk, your eyes, your face
as I undid the folds and turned planes to boats
So the waters
would take them along.

Kitty-tail handled mugs
Every morning I pick up two
Out of habit or sheer make-belief
That maybe out of nowhere you
would apparate here
I pour in hot chocolate
And stare the empty one
Till the time I'm done
And place it back
yet again.

I spilled the milk this morning
and your cup shared the fall
As I left the scene to bring something to clean up
The phone buzzed, your call
I came back minutes later
remembering I had a task to do
Having devoured it all, curled it lay
cuddling the two mugs together
my tiny cat, Furball.

Lock & key diaries, a few scribble conversations in class
Random pictures in random places
are bits of you that I have
All day the thought of having them keeps me sane
And my nights are a jigsaw, a never-ending hide and seek game
I see you sometimes
I never reach you though
But I wake up to play
the same thing all over again.

I finally did find you this night
after months of tracing in vain
And when you held my hand
I felt the death inside of me breathe life in
You are like gravity
I can't help but give in
I was being drawn in your arms
my world was that moment, you, just then.

And then I fell off the bed for the nth time
Who knew it was the actual gravity calling in.
A sleepy me narrated you the scene
while a world apart, the sound of your laughter
Played the paused song, my heart sang again.

© 2013 Neha Choudhry

...And then there was her, the Hurricane.

I could be dark
The kind night would need, to sleep closing eyes to
The kind stars would welcome replacing the sky anew
The kind that looks at you and your secrets come undone
The kind death would cuddle as a baby next to.

I could be a storm
The kind that comes and goes often, no inhibitions
The kind Nostradamus would have had a hard time fathom into illustrations
The kind that sweeps past and life breathes in a sigh of resurrection
The kind sea would go down on knees for, pleading unison.

I could be fragrance
The kind that unlocks memories set to flames
The kind sweat would stream down his brows to unite with, it's personal suicide mission
The kind that re-instills faith in love even when the rose lies crushed, end of game
The kind happiness has, trapped in the neck of his sweater awaiting the first winter kiss to liberation.

Or

I could be that one dark storm
That sets free your dementors
Redefines your infinities
Annihilates your fears
And leaves you with a fragrance
That you'd walk in search of
For eternity.

© 2013 Neha Choudhry

Dance

As leaves turn gold and give in to gravity

Remember the kiss of that new rose on your palm.

As your heart quivers, struggles beating through the snow

Remember the stardust you are made of, and love.

As scenes change around you, the silence pierces and applause isn't a cure

Remember that after you walked in, few lives were never the same.

As you get back there, where you belong

Remember the stage is still yours, so is the song.

As it runs through your veins, that rush of adrenaline

Remember no step is too difficult to pause your dance.

© 2013 Neha Choudhry

Photo by: Marta Locklear (http://bit.ly/H7IbK0)

Where to, Miss?... To the stars.

"You are gonna go like this?"

"Err... Ya! What's wrong?"

"Umm. In yoga pants?"

"Long flight. I don't want unnecessary buttons poking me in and out."

"Right."

"I know", saying, she winked.

A hug, her tearful eyes and smile.

And she was gone. I stood next to her empty house for sometime, taking in her absence. I knew it would haunt me in the coming days but I underestimated the intensity just then. It was cruel of her to go like that but then I knew our test of times had just begun. We had to see this through. Anyhow.

.

.

.

"It's too dark and cold."

"Also", she added, "I saw Paranormal Activity 2 during the day. I can't..."

She is such an extreme case. She can sit and watch a whole box of horror in a day, munching buckets of popcorn and not twitch a bit or she will be this scared little ball of fur, hiding in cardboard box at the slightest sound outside the door.

"Baby, it's just the wind probably."

"That's the word. Probably."

"..."

"I know it's nothing supernatural but you know, the dark is beautiful and sets my imagination out the normal boundaries."

"So, are you going to pick those hanging clothes today or not?"

"I have to na..."

She sounds irresistibly cute when she just wants me to approve something she anyway is going to do, adding the trademark 'na' to it.

"Ya baby, go! I am on the line. Don't hang up, keep talking and pick them up."

.

.

.

"Oooo La La. Tux and all. Someone is looking handsome today!"

"Today?” I teased.

"More than every other day, I feel like kidnapping you off the venue and drive off in the dark."

"Why do you go all criminal mind on me?” I loved poking her like that.

"Cos I'm crazy for you."

"That's news!"

"Go die, you."

And she laughs.

She doesn't know I often record all this. Just because.

.

.

.

"First salary!"

I called to share it first with her.

"Save a tenner for me. You once promised me ice cream."

"That's it? That's all you want?"

"No."

"Then?"

"You", she slowly said.

"I am."

"I know."

.

.

.

"And, it's my time to announce now."

"Go on..."

"First salary here!"

I could hear her musical laughter along as she said it.

"Go get yourself what you really, really wanted."

"What?"

"A telescope, silly."

"You remembered?"

"Ask me what I don't remember."

"Tell."

"That was supposed to be an expression, idiot."

"I'm just playing with you."

"When was I serious anyway?"

.

.

.

She sends picture of Orion and asks,

"It's blurry, isn’t it?"

"A little but beautiful."

"I love the Orion Nebula."

"I know."

"I wonder how it would be, up close."

"..."

"Let's sleep?"

"Its afternoon here, babe."

"Oh right. I'll hit the bed then."

"Dream me."

"Dream you."

.

.

.

5 years later

There she is. Her eyes looking for me as I take my first step on the new land.

Her eyes go brighter and she smiles. She saw me.

*hug*

It felt as if a steam-cyclone just ran through me. Flushed, I stood there holding her.

The world vanished at the touch of her hand.

She was my little wizard.

.

.

.

"Where to?" I asked again.

"You'll know."

"Still..."

"Surprise", she finally said.

Standing on the Glacier Point at Yosemite with her in freezing temperatures.

Her nose had her "I'm so cold" tinge of red.

Her cheeks were pink and all smiles.

But what struck me was the curiosity in her eyes.

It was getting darker with each passing second. People poured in on a full moon night but she decided it for tonight. A new moon night.

"Tell me!"

"Close your eyes."

"What?"

"Do it. Close your eyes."

I did.

And she intertwined her fingers in with mine. She was cold. Won't be anymore.

Few seconds later, she said.

"I love you."

I opened my eyes.

Hers were closed shut.

I looked up and then at her and then back up.

"Open your eyes, it's time."

The Milky Way was finally showing up. Vibrant, taking over the sky.

I hadn't seen anything this breathtaking.

After her.

.

.

.

15 years later

"Popcorn?"

"I made us two bags, love."

"Thank you. Let's go. It's gonna begin anytime now."

It was a meteor shower tonight.

"I forgot the telescope."

"Don't worry. I set it up already."

One by one she climbed the stairs. It was such a task for her. It was kind of cute seeing her try.

"Look!"

I was looking.

That same curiosity in her eyes. I forgot to breathe for a moment.

"Close your eyes."

"What?"

"Please."

I did.

And she intertwined her tiny fingers in with mine. She was cold too.

"I love you daddy."

"I love you sweetheart."

A tear trickled down my cheek.

I let it.

"Where's mommy? I can't see mommy tonight."

I took her little hand and pointed her index finger to the Orion Nebula.

"Mommy is home. Her new home."

She smiled.

The same smile I fell for, years ago.

Still do.

Every time.

"Thank you", I whispered as I looked back up.

I guess the stars twinkled in answer.

Or was it just me.

I don't know.

She loved stars so much that she became one.

© 2013 Neha Choudhry

You always have me

I'm broken in places I can't see or reach
I'm bleeding out patience I can't cease
I'm terrified of this autumn and all it would bring
I'm trying not to mess this hug but I'm full to the brim.

I run from glee and gloom alike
An untamed tornado, secretly a claustrophile
I take to corners every now and then
A confused exterior, guarding a hopeful self.

I say things that my actions don't comply
I weave dreams I am not sure could be
I lose temper on you for things I myself often do
I crash castles as if building them was as easy as 2+2.

No matter how difficult I make it
And how I tend to withdraw
You stand by me.
No matter where I am off to
And how I sometimes even breeze past you
You never confine me.

No matter how reckless I am
And how I end up in dark alleys of my own mind
You find me.
No matter where I've fallen and bruised
And how your hands still bear the scars from resurrecting this glass-house we live in
You fix me.

P.S. I once came across this phrase:
"All we really need to survive is one person who truly loves us. And you have her."
Repeating it over and over again in my mind gave me peace that maybe someday I'll find someone I can say that to. My path ends up before your face.

Thank you for not letting me have my way all the time. I would have missed on a gorgeous tomorrow.

No siempre el primer amor sera el único y el ultimo… siempre existirá un segundo, el cual te ame y te acepte tal cual eres a pesar de tus errores, como el primero no lo supo hacer.

© 2013 Neha Choudhry

Waste Friday Nights Away

I've seen days without rain
I've lived places off a page
I've hummed tunes to myself to lull
I've flipped in piggy banks in wishing wells to see some sparkles in the dull
I've taken hands in mine to hold
I've lied; I've robbed one off his gold
I've spoken and invited storms in
I've stayed shut as walls walked closing
I've survived days when fire poured
I've tasted tears of someone I love
I've laughed until I fell to the floor
I've been on the wrong side of a closed door
I've met people; I've memorized birthdays
I've stayed with a single stone, pushing it start to end of my way
I've been delusional and caved-in
I've shrugged off oceans in my eyes to see someone smiling
I've been selfish, I've hurt
I've my own skeletons-overflowing cupboards in places I never should
But I've come far
And I hold on to the worse, the best
I've yet to set my foot in deepest marsh
I've yet to climb up my highest and breathe an overwhelmed sigh
I've yet to hear from my parents they're proud
I've yet to sing LIVE, dedicating to the one who manages to convince me so
I've yet to contain myself in something to be remembered by
I've yet to hold the tiniest kitten in my hands
I've yet to defeat him at a Tekken retreat
I’ve yet to sleep in my own bunk bed
I've yet to see his reaction when he sees me in red
I've yet to tickle him until tears roll
I've yet to set my foot on a land wherein my soul gets lost for evening strolls
I've yet to sink a few Titanics, build a few Golden Gates
I've yet to assure him that in his heart I shall always stay
I've yet to meet whose songs I use as my candlelight dinner background score
I've yet to paint something I won't crush and throw away
I've yet to write a story I'd want my kid to sleep with
And somewhere in the midst of all these "I have's" and "I've yet to's"
I've built a dream
I've yet to live in
Under star-lit skies
Pointing constellations
Holding his hand
I’d love to waste Friday nights away.

© 2013 Neha Choudhry

Silver and Cold

I saw him
when the sun was dim
when frost slept blanketing the earth
when the heart faced yet another winter alone, unloved.

I saw him
across the room, smiling
across a sea of dementors, shining
across lifetimes, searching.

I saw him
making an effort to re-ignite the ashes my eyes bore
making music in the silence even if all I ever answered was 'I'm not sure'
making me look life beyond the pages I kept going back to, unfolding the folds.

I loved him
when the skies rained an ocean
when tears turned stardust
when I woke up to our fingers intertwined.

And,
I will love him
when our hair are silver
when dreams we live
when our wrinkled hands go cold.

© 2013 Neha Choudhry

Born

Escribí este por su cumple

No shimmer showered down the sky
No sun or star graced with an extra shine
No premonitions, no dreams
No signs or background chimes
No lyrics can voice those frozen seconds in time
No quote would do justice fitting just fine
No one saw those stolen glances, that glint in my eye
And not how I was finally waking up from a deep slumber, melting seeing you smile.

In random memories that sleep clinging my heart each night
There is no white horse, no shining armor or knight
In those haphazard words in the last pages of my notebook that keep me company at nightfall in a torch's light
It's no distant scarlet letter, no XOXO's nor declarations of undying love flaming bright.

It's you walking right in through that door
It's me looking up from my mess of a life to see who it is
It's you searching a familiar face
It's me smiling a little for I wanted to be chosen for once, this time.

I don't remember the colors that were worn
What I do remember is how your eyes danced, how your fingers played on the table, how your hair sparkled gold in the sun, how that December just thawed in your warmth
I don't know what words were our first, what moment we clicked, what note life's playlist adorned
What I do know is how in my life that beautiful morning you walked in, how in my heart you were born.

© 2013 Neha Choudhry