Sunday, January 27, 2013

Died in your arms

It was like being on a high rise, beautiful and terrifying at the same time. She was his prisoner and he guarded the doors. The sunlight sometimes entered the little place she had started to call home and reminded her of the world she left behind the day she saw him. He never really saw her or talked to her. She was wherever he was, waiting to surrender to gravity but he never really let her. She loved him. The kind of love that at first clings to you, casts spells in promises, makes you see stars a little more brighter, sugar a little more sweeter and before you know it, becomes the one thing that can break you in pieces you won't even want to find. For finding them would finally end the search. Everyone but her knew she wasn't in love with him but the pursuit of him. The chase kept her alive, she had an aim. Him being a distancer made it all the more exciting. She lived for those stolen moments wherein he sat by himself, drawing in the curtain between him and her, gulped down a few shots, sighed taking another's name and let her crawl out. She mattered then, she thought. The moment she met his lips, her existence shattered. The sudden change of pace shined her fogged winters to an early spring. She felt loved. She swore it was somewhere there. Her death was his sanity. He felt better every time she fell. And then locked her back where she belonged- in his eyes.

Closer to him than anyone would ever reach, being born in his heart and dying in his hands.

Being the tears of the man she loved. The man who didn't.

© 2013 Neha Choudhry

Thursday, January 10, 2013

A love like this

After fifteen odd minutes of silence, he spoke. For the very first time, I wasn't really sure if it was his voice. He had a deep hypnotizing tone to the way he made every word sound new. He looked up and I knew why. His voice, his dreams were clearly drowning in the tears that now fogged his eyes. I had never seen him cry. Maybe this is why I couldn't take it. For a second I almost considered running off. I almost did turn when I saw something. He was holding onto something. As he held it out, my heart sank. It was his wedding invite.


Her name rang in my ears as a piercing memory of the time he first told me about her. It killed me then. It killed me now. And it would have killed me had he walked down the altar with her today.

So, who am I again? I am Cyan's ex-girlfriend. That prefixed 'ex' never bothered so much until today. Wonder why. He spoke of her as an eternal dream, a bloody never-ending symphony and a mesmerizing connection between his todays and tomorrows. OK. You can scratch that 'bloody' up there. I can't take it, still. With love oozing out the ring of it, his pupils dilating and, if I must add, skies showering sparkles, he called her 'Nini'. Sometimes adding the clichéd 'baby' but that made it a hell lot cuter. Damn you Cyan. Why not me?

Uh oh. I said that out loud. Aw shucks.

Under the wedding invite was a diary. His diary. The way Cyan was standing, almost as if he would crash any second, made me want to hug him. Hug the daylights out of him but something about his eyes, the way he never looked away today made me realize I couldn't. "Read it", he said and let the moment linger for a pulse or two and went on towards the half-open door. Before closing it on me, he added, "Whole of it" and he was gone.

And I opened the diary...

What followed was a story of him and her through these years. In pictures.

"We micky-minnie (She drew 'em)"

"We happy"

"We pretentiously crazy"

"We click"

"We love"

I could go on and on up there because it was a 'Celestyna-Cyan'-athon.

And I started to go...

"Oh... cool bicycle!"
"Damn that's a pretty skirt"
"WOW... proposal"


Did I go WOW on the proposal? What else can you expect? Only Cyan can bring out the magical in the monotonous. Proposal on the swing. Simply brilliant.

They had captured each of their 6 years, 3 months and 17 days (a total of 2300 days) together, including this morning's picture where he surprised her as he turned up at her door with a water-gun spraying color all over her. It is captioned: Wedding morning surprise, adding in cursive, "She colors my life as the sun colors everything."

I almost "Aww"-ed at it.

The next page finally gave way to the tears I had been holding all these years, hating her, loving him, ditching him, hurting him and hating her all the more. In a neat cursive, what I had in my hands were his wedding vows. He penned them last night, I guess.


Counting days sounded a bit too girlish so I casually googled it but that 2300 staring me in face was the second best wowza moment of the day as of yet. The first being some three minutes ago when I saw you walk down that alter with Pa.

There are three things I always wanted to do and since for the first time I have been given the opportunity to speak first, I might as well go ahead and do those.

Undersigned 'Cyan' with that 'dashing' C as he always made.

I blinked. Tears and more tears. Was I still wishing it was me? HELL NO. When you see someone you love loving someone, you hate that other person. But when you know that love is as real as this, as innocently woven bit by bit as this, you fall for it. You love the fact that such picture perfect stories do exist. And you know the best part? This hope. This immense hope I am filled with right now that somewhere out there I will find this, this ever-so-amazing soul-enlightening man who will weave a story, my story with me, each day of forever.

And so I walked up to the door only to see him waiting. Cyan has always been this crazy best friend of mine. That 'ex' part made it a little awry but what the heck, he still cares enough to know if I am happy with this or not.

I did what I was meaning to do since I saw him today. Hugged the daylights out of him and in his ear whispered "I love this love and I would love to see the three things. She's beautiful for she's yours. Go ahead." He lifted me up and smiled. And in that moment I knew, Cyan and Celestyna were meant to be. As for him and me, I smiled. For smiles is what he has always been.

Rough patch- DELETE.

And so I walked beside him. Whaaaat? Bros walk their bros till the very end no?

She, the Greek goddess or fairy, clad in a silver white dress with her bracelet tingling, her eyes sparkling, enchanting the ceremony walked in with her father. Cyan's eyes were Disneyland, I tell you. I could see fireworks!

And he said his vows.

Taking from where we left off:

"There are three things I always wanted to do and since for the first time I have been given the opportunity to speak first, I might as well go ahead and do those."

This was a beautiful scene.

One, he sang (Cyan’s voice is a mix of Clay Aiken and David Cook. That enticing) a few lines going...

"...Cos when I look at my life
How the pieces fall into place
It just wouldn't rhyme without you
When I see how my path
Seem to end up before your face
The state of my heart
The place where we are
Was written in the stars..."

Two, there were bubbles all around. Courtesy: Friends.

And three...

He took her hand and twirled her around. She smiled, he smiled and the world to them was a blur. He knelt down and a faint song began which, as Cyan is, he sang along.

"Tell me can you feel my heart beat
Tell me as I kneel down at your feet
I knew there would come a time
When these two hearts would entwine
Just put your hand in mine

For so long I have been an island
Where no one could ever reach these shores
We've got a whole lifetime to share
And I'll always be there, darling this I swear

So please believe me
For these words I say are true
And don't deny me
A lifetime loving you
And if you ask will I be true
Do I give my all to you
Then I will say I do"...

And they kissed.

This is one moment I clicked and added it on the last page of his diary captioning:

The Beginning.

Cyan and Celestyna,

Thank you for making me believe in love again. For instilling in me this concrete belief that even in today's times where it has gotten down to just meeting, eating and mating, there still are people, not too far away in a fanfic, that I can look up to and say 'You see this, this adorable pair, I love them.' Cyan, having known you all these years, it was a little hard to digest that the guy the whole school was after was taken the first day of college. Maybe that was the moment I knew you are gone for good. Little did I know it isn't just good but this beautiful- Celestyna. You spellbinding little princess. I, of all people in the world having read over 300 novels till date including the super clichéd Nicholas Sparks couldn't imagine a bride this ethereally beautiful walking down the aisle. You know what's the most remarkable thing I witnessed today at your wedding? When Cyan went down for his Grand 'I do', those little specks of tears jingling in your eyes accompanied with a smile. That moment was precious. Thank you for having me around all this time. Now before my Mr. Awesome gets lost, I should better find him. Or better, get drunk and party. Let him find me!

Love and Kisses,

© 2013 Neha Choudhry

Disclaimer: The pictures used have been taken from Google Images, Tumblr blogs and Pinterest. The song lyrics used are Written in the Stars and I do by Westlife.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


"What would he think?"
"Will he ever know who gave him this?"
"Should I add a little clue?"
"What if someone else gets to it first?"
"God, I'm such a mess."

*Sleeps again*
*Gets up. Under the covers, the torch is back ON.*
"Hope you do get this someday."
*Stops. Takes a deep breath. Continues*
"I was late for school today. A part of me didn't want to go. Winters are all about curling up with a book, hot chocolate, empty mugs on bed-side table and your kitten sleeping in your lap. Wait. Do you have a kitty? I have. His name is Coffee. And he knows a lot about everything I am going to put here. I talk, he purrs. He purrs I listen.

I was walking up the road, having decided to chuck school and head somewhere else instead. A random place, have tea at one of those tiny shops near Zumaha crossing, talk to that little girl who sells flowers in front of the tree house, sit by that huge rock in the Sirena Valley and write something. Maybe sing a song or two with the eastern winds trying out new hairstyles on me, kissing my cheeks, teasing me, and pleasing me. Cafuné is the word. I read it somewhere. I crossed the Darling woods on my own for the first time. I wonder why momma never lets me go out on this trek. How I wish life had a background score. I would have played my favorite song right about... Here.

Somewhere in between the intoxicating blues of the sky and lush greens of the leaves, I saw red. Not the heart red. The bright red. The one that strikes you like lightning at one go and while you are still recovering, it slowly makes you fall in for more. Take the cherry red and crimson together. That red. I stood there for a long time before I realized I was staring at a muffler.

Now before you tag me a shopaholic, fold this piece of paper and wonder why you got reading this in first place, I must add as my eyes wandered up, that red lost its sheen. The world stopped spinning and I am pretty sure my neurons did somersaults for quite a sometime and then I realized I was gazing. I was drowning. I was...*sigh* wordlessly, breathlessly looking in the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. The eyes that weren't looking into mine. He was reading.

THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA by Ernest Hemingway

*mind-notes begin- Read this book*

I was carrying BLINK by Malcolm Gladwell.

I looked up again. He was reading. And I was melting. I could have fallen to my knees but it would have gotten misinterpreted as the proposal pose. I could have flown away if I could. The look was serene. Surprisingly, now the book no where seen. He was looking at me.


*Looks around. No one.*
*Looks behind herself. No one. Again.*

*Talks in a gesture because if at all voice comes out, it would probably be a squeal.*

"Me?" (Points herself)

"Ya. Good book?"

*And he gets up*
*And he is walking towards me*
*And I am... not dying.* [self hi-five]

"Ya pretty nice. Yours?"
"Good too. I haven't seen you around. New here?"
"Nay. Born here. Exploring has just begun."


for image source, click here.

You. The guy I've met just once and if you finally got this, then twice. I won't be coming back tomorrow because if I do, I won't be able to get back to where I belong for now. I don't know your name. It's amazing to have traversed a whole lifetime talking to you yet not knowing what you are called as. And if you are wondering why the sudden change of events, I must tell you the change happened the very second I saw you. And all I can say is I am in love with you. I almost added 'I guess I am' but no need. I am sure. I just wanted to capture this moment. That red muffler. Those grayish-blue eyes. That searching look on your face yet the most welcoming "Hey". That slow and subtle "Umm" you add before answering my endless questions of who, whose and why's. That sudden "Really?" followed by "Me too" moments we had today. Every bit of the man you are today and ever will be. Somewhere in between your blinks and beats, you have taken me in. I am not so sure how all this might occur to you. Crazy, don't it? Yes. For the first time I admit it. I am. This moment, this very second, tears are flowing down my face, Coffee is pausing mid-purr as if to ask "What now?", and I am making a wish, packing it away, sealed with a kiss.

"Dear Stars (if you are listening),
The sparks were amazing. Thank you.
Unite us. In time. Sometime.
Some years and hence...

Having half-read that one book he really liked, he never really laid hands upon it again. He wondered why. Maybe that girl was a better read. Maybe something about her just made him forget time. She came the next day clad in a similar red muffler as his smiling the smile he was being drawn into. Irrevocably. As he dusted off the same copy today, re-living that day, he remembered how she had taken the books for a second or so, struck a conversation and that's that. An hour she stayed there. Showed him pictures of her kitten. Where would she be today, he wondered.

He was brought back in the present with a sudden jerk of hand and three things randomly falling from inside the pages of the book. Staring at him were her eyes. Big, beautiful eyes. He thought he never missed her until now when tears cascaded down his face. The second picture was of her kitten. And a nicely folded paper. It looked old. Did she slip this in while he was so engrossed talking to her?
And he read.
That night, he went to bed with a heavy heart. Broken maybe. She loved him. He loved her. She said it. He never answered. Alice. For sure that was just a name she loved. As in 'Alice in Wonderland'. It wasn't hers.

He just got married three days ago and was shifting to a new place. Hence, all the cleaning and moving.

The following morning his wife found the note while he was in bath. She didn't utter a word about it to him. He went off to work, quietly. No breakfast. Just a Goodbye kiss.
When he came back, he called out for her "Celia"...

*no answer*

He went back to his room. His copy of 'THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA' lay open on his bed. The pictures and the note very much there. As he was about to call out to Celia again, his eyes rested upon the red muffler on which lay a note. Beautiful cursive.

"Dear Stars (I know you listen),
The sparks were amazing. They still are. Thank you.
For uniting us. In time. Forever.

P.S. Celia is an anagram for Alice."

And life just began again…

© 2013 Neha Choudhry

for image source, click here.