*...Drenched in sparkles...*

You give me pain,
I'll weave poetry.
You ignore me,
I'll sing a melody.
All these days, while I cried myself to sleep
you sat perfect on your couch
smiling to yourself how important you are to me,
failing to notice that
each day, with each spell of silence you gifted
I untied a knot that bound us.

As I walk this winter minus your thoughts
I'll let time tell you what you lost.
Now that I am free
I am all smiles
Drenched in sparkles, making merry
I can't wait to be with someone
who, unlike you, wants to be with me!

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Disappear!

One thing I always knew
if someday my heart decided to be over you,
even before you or I know it
I'll be through.

I really don't know if I ever want to see your face again,
after all the ignorance you gifted me, I wonder why I lived in this induced pain.
I might fluctuate on my stand more than a few times today,
but tomorrow,
As the fog clears
Be out of my system
or as politely I may put it,
DISAPPEAR!

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

shush..*blush*

Who needs the sun when your smile lights my world
Who needs falling stars when you yourself are my dream-come-alive
Who needs magic when your presence takes me to a trance
Who needs years when centuries pass by in a single glance.

Who needs flowery words when just a 'how was your day' sets free butterflies
Who needs lyrics when you are the voice
Who needs more colors when you already sparkled my life
Who needs the world when you are by my side.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

...stay!

written on: December 13, 2011
(early morning)

Sometimes...
It's just some time, some moments, some smiles, some mornings that make someone an inseparable part of some memories that even time cannot erase.
Staying is not an option today but still somehow, you are here to stay...♥

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Halo of your smile...:)

written on: December 10, 2011

While the world stood still, spellbound in sight of an amazing Lunar Eclipse, my evening dazzled in your sunshine surrounded by the halo of your smile.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

I always knew

In moments of yearning and symphony of rain
I closed the doors but left open the window, waiting in vain
Hooded a wounded heart in colors of sunshine
Escaping the eyes, emptied glasses of wine.

In series of dreams and spells of autumn
I let the wind decide my direction
Stood surprised as it lead me to your door
Did away with the knock 'cause the 'you' I search isn't anywhere anymore.

In carousel of memories and heavy snow
I set on fire the love-letters I wrote
Sat by them, embracing the daggers from the world that called me heartless, cold
Only to save you from the blame if only they unveil your game, I conjured a blindfold.

In wisp of stolen smiles and that lazy summer morn
I left them at your feet, the pages of a life forlorn
If you ever flip through, in midst of empty silences you might find
What is it like to see yourself through my eyes
The only words I never spoke, I wrote in there for you to read:
“A woman knows the face of the man she loves like a sailor knows the open sea.”
.
.
.
I always knew.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

P.S. The line: “A woman knows the face of the man she loves like a sailor knows the open sea” is by Honore de Balzac (a French novelist and playwright).

The Phenomenon called 'Dev Anand'

December 4, 2011
Sunday.

One date that I'll hate for all my life here on.

Started as a usual Sunday, with me sleeping in a little more than the usual 4-5 hours. I wonder why I planned on logging in twitter today, after ages. And there it hit, the news of him being gone. I don't remember when was the last time, or was there any, when everything around me stood silent still, when I stared at five words reading them again and again, wishing they weren't true. 'Evergreen Dev Anand No More'.

And the first set of tears that trickled down my face, the first breaths I took after a long pause and the emptiness inside made me realize that all these years while I watched Guide, Jewel Thief, Hare Rama Hare Krishna, Heera Panna, etc. over and over again, it was the aura of Dev Anand that enchanted me, captivated my heart and that ever-glowing smile made my day. I have loved him, always without myself knowing it until today. I still remember I was a kid of 5 or 6 when I sat down with Papa to watch Guide. The story was too mature for me but Raju Guide had made his imprint on this little girl's heart. Seeing him die in the last scenes was tough, I clung to dad asking 'Raju ab nahin aayega?' (Won't Raju ever come back?). I thank my Papa for introducing me to 'The Phenomenon' called DEV ANAND.

It is still so much of a shock to take in. I am glad I was born in a time where I lived to see the romanticism, the magic, the flirtatious smile and the Evergreen man himself- Dev Anand. Last year, chucking all my work, I went to see 'Hum Dono' (Rangeen). Despite having seen the b/w version countless times, it was an experience to see Dev Anand on the big screen. The way he looked at Sadhna, that notorious smile that his eyes held, his on-screen persona and the ever melodious 'मैं ज़िन्दगी का साथ निभाता चला गया' had me in trance of happiness that even words would fail to describe.

I tweeted him a 'Happy Journey' today, after having smiled through the tears 'following' his twitter handle @itsmedevanand.

With this, I pay my Tribute to the mesmerizing man, Dev.

"To wake up to the news of you being no more
Is something I NEVER saw coming, grieved to the core.
With all the beautiful memories, love for life and melodies that'll stay
Enchant the skies, twinkle with the stars for ever...that's all I pray.

Always Loved you Dev Anand..!
Always will."

"मौत एक ख़याल है जैसे ज़िन्दगी एक ख़याल है. न सुख है ना दुख है, न दीन है न दुनिया, न इंसान न भगवान. सिर्फ़ मैं. मैं हूं. मैं. मैं. सिर्फ़ मैं..."

आनंद मरा नहीं

  आनंद मरते नहीं...

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

#inyourface [3]

I am rolling destiny's dice
I am in control of the pace.
You better click your heels and jump off with the mice
'Cause this Love-ship is going down with all the memories, dragged bullsh** and your ice-berged face.

#inyourface!

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

#inyourface [2]

So, I was making a list...

And then I realized, counting my favorite people, that you no longer are on fingertips.

Rather, your name is etched on my FIST!

#inyourface!

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

#inyourface [1]

So I am baking a cake, just making you aware
Although I am sure, you don't care
When the delicious aroma fills up the air
Don't come asking for a bite, Don't you dare
You refused me the sugar, YOU DON'T GET ANY SHARE.

This Love is on Fire, Now all is Fair!

#inyourface.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Frozen

I never asked you
what I am to you,
I just voiced out
my heartfelt.

I never cared
what the world said about you,
I just listened
to my tinkling heart as it melt.

I never walked away
from the promises I made,
but it was a pleasure see you go
saying 'It's not you for whom I felt'.

So I finally breathe free
in this world of infinite possibilities,
with frozen heartbeats I am waiting
the only person I want for myself.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Refuge

Years it has been

how many I don't know,

I stopped counting

the day you decided to go.

At first it was hard

to mute your name mid-conversation,

but today I master the art

of loving you minus the declaration.

Just the conviction in your voice

of the love you never put to words,

makes me stick to the choice

I made back then, even if today you hurt.

Funny thing this is that now it doesn't even pain

to walk alone the paths we traversed together once,

there lies no melancholic wait to see you again and again

I guess today, I do understand your silence.

The only finality

that in my world holds true

is how my fickle self, unfailingly

still wishes to find her refuge in you.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Go Extinct!

Lo and behold
This anecdote needs to be told
How the stories that say 'happily ever after' really roll
Read on and see marvels of time unfold.

Life sailed on calm waters, days ran by fine
Drama struck as thunder, I wish I could define
A flash of smile in the blink of an eye
took away the heart, for years which was mine.

Embers of love were set ablaze
with that captivating, mesmerizing gaze
Exaggerating I am not, for me he was such a craze
Just to catch a glimpse of him, Everyday I stood under the sun's harmful UV rays.

In today's world, feelings are played with, hearts juggled here and there
Loving someone in such environment is oh-such-a-dare.
I fought with all the possible constraints and together we were, just making you aware
My mistake I didn't kill the competition yelling at some crazy snake 'Kill the spare.'

There she came along, that pea-head with her pancaked face
Such girls, I tell you, put the homo sapiens to disgrace
Toothpick thin, zombie eyes, hair that were more of a shoelace maze
But then again, what should I say, she was in and I stood replaced.

Heartbreaks are cruel, Tears are an acid leak
Fiercer than lightning she struck and took my life, that murderous super-freak.
But she isn't really the one to blame, no matter how much ill I may speak
Despite the fact that I loved him to bits, he fell for plastic that squeaks.

Anyway, Life goes on with memories but some experiences I let vapor
'Cause sometimes you're trash to that person for who you declare love from skyscraper.
Today as I sat to declutter my drawer
I found a picture of that dinosaur whom I confessed 'Rawr'
For a long time I was too blind to find him distinct
But if I see him now or ever, from deep inside my heart I'm wishing: "GO EXTINCT!"


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

P.S. Rawr is 'I love you' in dinosaur language :D

Through the eyes of Sawyer...

Introduction:
A storm of emotions
A swarm of words buzzing through and through
It'll take a while to pen this down
because feeling it this real, putting down each line
breaks me, shatters me
the way it broke you!



I wrote this piece on behalf of James 'Sawyer' Ford from the LOST Series.
Sawyer writes for Kate.


(The END is altered)



Memories lay scattered around
Shattering the broken self I put to grave and tried forgetting about
One look at your face, resurrected the love
the pain, the wait, the last kiss, the hug.

It seemed like centuries since you were away
After all this time, why today
you packed your bags and hopped onto the flight
the one that crashed here, like the previous, and brought back everything that can never be mine.

There are feelings I will never confess
I lived the days trying hard not to picture your face
As I whispered your name and kissed you
The next moment, I jumped from the chopper only to see you getting rescued.

A man like me can only go for the kill
Loving someone isn't my thing
Love conned the con man me as every night, since you left
Clutching your smile close to my heart, I slept.

Calming the hurricanes of hurt that ran inside
I watched you look at him with that conviction in your eyes
The one I always wished to see every time I kissed your tears
when he hurt you so bad that you ran to my arms, clutching self-doubts and fears.

I could live with the fact that you ain't coming back
I made peace with my heart and shut doors that backtrack
But to see him holding your hand, standing where I could be
A to-be-destroyed heart asks you, Why not me?


Was the question too hard on time
What followed it was a blinding flash of light
Head ready to burst with searing pain
And much to my surprise, when I opened my eyes, I was sitting in a plane.


!(THE ISLAND TRAVELLED THROUGH TIME)!


Was I dreaming, Was I in a trance
I put it aside, why bother giving it another investigative glance.
I got up to stretch a bit and get myself a beer
In the passage, I saw her, why was she familiar?

Was it the cling of handcuffs that she tried to hide
Or the chime of that guilty smile
Why did I recognize the scene of my eyes in hers
As she smiled, why an echo ran inside me that I have shared a life with her before.

I stood there long enough, wordless, staring deep in her eyes
Trying to figure out where this fugitive in my memories resides
She came up to me, touched my hand
And flashes of recognition in me did ignite.

"Freckles, you're here...", I fumbled and broke
She hugged me and breathing slowly she spoke
"I... I thought I lost you..."
"I'm sorry for all I put you through..."
"I have waited all my life to say this,
Sawyer, I love you too..."


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

I love you ♥

I sit here misty-eyed
Seems like all of me is shattered, smashed inside
There isn't a second I haven't cried
Since the moment you unknowingly meowed a goodbye.

With every tiny sound you made
my worries, laments you put to fade
The way you clutched me close in embrace
Will shine the brightest memory of you, for always.

The way I've cuddled you to sleep
I myself wasn't aware I loved you so damn deep
Until today when I looked in your eyes for one final time
I could feel myself break, giving away the only one I could call mine.

Stay safe, my love and learn to catch a mouse
Although from the bottom of my sinking heart I am so wishing you create a mess in that house
Just so you can be back to me
And we, together, can hug and sleep.

I've cradled you when you shivered at night
Laughed when you chased torch's light
You made me your home, tore down the walls I've built around my heart
The love we share is forever, we are never apart.

It'll be a task tomorrow morning to not look for you around
To not re-fill your milk bowl, to not answer to your sound.
Just remember one thing, I am always finding a way to get back to you
And no matter what I do, I am always thinking of you.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Lethally Yours.

Do you have the slightest idea
How brutally you tore me apart
To build me up and bring it all crashing down
Dazzled by your smile, I guess I overlooked that you were the master of this art.

How easy it is to say "Let's part ways"
How convenient it is to hold my hand, walk along all day
But as the night falls, as sunlight fades to gray
How chivalrous it is to leave me in traffic, halfway.

Yes I do have a hyper-active imagination
Maybe I mistook, misread everything you never said
But what's your argument for the kisses you planted, for the butterflies you gave
The 'till the end of time' love, you professed.

Headache I am, ninety-nine percent of the time
But at least you can sleep, thanks to the plethora of pills
The heartache you gave has no cure
My breaths are engulfed in tears, the silence kills.

Having survived yet another day, much to your surprise
As a broken me takes off for the dream world behind my closed eyes
I, yet again, erase the hurt, put the tears to a pause
Just Because...

Sometimes you are enchanted by the excruciating pain
Sometimes you are so in love with the cause.


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

. . .

कृपया ध्यान दें: यह मेरा हिन्दी लेख में प्रथम प्रयास है|

आँखों में अब भी
गुज़रे कल का धुंआ है,
दुआ के अल्फाज़ों में
बस नाम तेरा है|

लकीरों का क्या है
आज यहाँ हैं कल कहाँ हैं,
रास्तों का क्या है
जहाँ क़दम चल दिए वही राह है|

ज़िन्दगी वहीँ है
तू जहाँ है,
तेरा साथ हो
तो तनहाई भी कारवाँ है|


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Let me be YOU.

The photograph attached inspired me to write this one. I just could not NOT WRITE this.

Walking down the trail with your father, I saw you
Early summer it was, I faintly remember it,
Silently, I turned around 'cause as always I expected to be rebuked
But then I heard a sweet voice say 'Hey!' and saw a hand extended.

For someone who is treated as filth, unwanted
that moment was too spellbinding to react,
I stood frozen to my place, daunted
'He's just another reason for me to not bring you back in here', retorted your dad.

I was welcomed with anger and wails
the day I opened my eyes to the world,
My mother succumed to the child-birth pain
My father abandoned me on the road and left crossing a point of no return.

I grew up living on abuses and kicks
from everyone I ever came across,
To earn another sunrise of my life, I loaded bricks
and searched for left-overs in dustbin that people tossed.

My life sounds sure as Hell
but I still loved it for I had a friend, Paige
She lived nearby in a refugee camp, everyday she had a story to tell
But one night she was raped, killed and thrown away.

I was a little shaken, yet I drank in the tears and went to work
Loading bricks, I was distracted, as I couldn't just erase off her face,
I tumbled on something and fell, my employer in rage grabbed me by my shirt
spat in my face, threw me three feet away and yelled 'F*** off, you Disgrace'.

I donated blood to someone in need
they say the needle was contaminated,
the cause of the incurable flu, fever, aches and slight loss of memory
is something called HIV-AIDS.

There is someone from your town here
I narrated this all to him,
'cause I know not how to read or write
And I am sending along with this letter, a tin.

While you walked past me that day on the trail
You dropped something by mistake and forgot,
I am sending back your little bracelet
with memories of a life I got.

Don't write back to me
As I would be long gone by then,
I am glad out of everyone that hated my existence
You cared to ask and extend a hand, my friend.

Such an irony, life is
Although I never lived much of mine,
Still if ever I had a chance
I would want to be YOU for just a moment in time.

To know what care is
To know what a father's clasp feels like
To sit at home and taste the food mother makes
To embrace happiness,
Just for a while.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

'Cause I built a castle on the sands of time.

In the smoke of burning memories
In the cocktail of tears that flow
In the first words that I said to you
In the last of you that I saw
I suffocated myself so as to let you breathe free
I drank in the pain each time 'cause you never cared to see
I stood clutching onto the tiniest pieces of my heart
Only to see you hold her hand
Look me in the eye
And walk away.

In the eerie silence of the night
In the very first phrase of my prayers
In the song that's stuck in my head
In the perfume of the time we had
I whispered your name to the stars as my only wish
I asked happiness for you wherever you might be
I sang the lyrics with life streaming down my cheeks
Only to see you light a match
Set us on fire
And leave.

In the silent seconds passing between us
In the butterfly kisses
In the raindrops that sparkled your face
In the unheard words of the hidden letters I never gave
I wished to hear your voice, I wanted you to speak
I waited, bated breath, only to know if you loved me
I drenched all these years in the rain of love
Only to see you close your eyes
Shut the door
And whisper Goodbye.


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Dear You, with Love.

So, it started somewhat like this
Thanks to the perfect love stories I saw and read
I had a perfect wish
To find that one guy or let him find me
The one whose one gaze would sweep me off my feet.

Call it an obsession or whatever you may
the list went on and on with each passing day.
Polite, friendly, caring ones I did meet
But none held that spark,
the one that could make me skip a heartbeat.

Movies, by now, seemed cliché
the same old happy endings that flagged off waterfalls in my eyes,
Reality narrated a different story altogether,
here did exist the concept of Goodbyes.

Hope, I still held on to
in my heart's core
the search, I abandoned
I couldn't stand being disappointed all the more.

He usually sat on the back benches in class
Eventhough I wasn't being talked to, on his jokes, I suppressed a crazy laugh.
Some magnetic pull he surely possessed
His presence around was all I silently wished.

I was all smiles on a mere mention of his name
Life surfed on happy waters, I wasn't the same.
He was the diametric opposite of everything I ever thought I wanted
Yet, the day he appeared, the silly lists disappeared.

It was his birthday, mine was the most casual wish
But when he shook my extended hand
Something out-of-the-world dramatic
his touch did.

The glint in his eyes
had set embers of love ablaze.
He walked off, smiling, with my heart
While I stood there for what seemed an eternity, in daze.

The world had either stopped
or time had slowed down,
He was all I thought of
all the time, there on.

In the most impossible places
Among unknown faces
That one smile made life magical
In reality, he gave me my fairytale.

Together, it has been a while
Looking back on that day, still gives me butterflies.
For no one in the world, I can be this sure
He is everything Love is about and so much more.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Disclaimer: This photo has been taken from http://bit.ly/rSb9r1

She

Here's to all my girls!


Stuck in reverse
to her life seems,
She cries an ocean
when she sits back, reminiscing.
A jar full of laughter
she carries along,
Her voice will make you forget
your favorite song.
The sparkle in her eyes
could put the night sky to shame,
The way she looks at you
would want you to let her win every silly game.
She looks tempting soft
but to the inside is solid steel,
One flash of that dazzling smile
And you might even forget you had to breathe.
She loves with the passion
you can never match,
Sometimes speaks so fast, so random
there might not be a single word that you catch.
But one thing is for sure
and you know that too,
When those kohled eyes stare you in face
the love in them will set free a million fireflies in you.
A sniff or sight of belgian chocolate ice cream
sets the ninja in her free,
she won't even let you touch it
yet those puppy eyes will make you
hug her to sleep.
Once you let her be a part of your life
the perfume of her presence
will linger on
for a million lifetimes.
If you are wondering
who that might be
She is you,
She is me.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Rain on me now!

It stayed up there and watched it all
day by day dirt drenched my soul.
I heard things I never wanted to
I saw things my eyes can never forget.

I walked the trek all by myself
taking tiny steps, tiny breaths.
Darkness was growing inside me
and the smile I carried wasn't just helping brighten it.

And even before the first teardrop could touch my cheek
It came rushing down to rescue me.
Wearing the cloak of the breeze
Hugged me tender, put me to ease.

The downpour washed away the vices, the pain
I stand drenched in happiness, in love
With the silver drops beating on my head
I dance, I sing, I celebrate the rain.

As night starts to draw in
it kissed me good night,
silently singing
my favorite lullaby.

At times the world's walls close in on us
Eyes brim with tears, smile turns a frown.
Look up and just call out its name
Nature showers diamonds on you
each time it Rains!

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

I see a Winner.

Staring walls for answers
to the questions I ask myself
every living second of my existence.
Hiding in these eyes
lay acidic tears
that seep inside, every now & then
Burning my hope, burning my soul.

Life has had a re-run
Only hurt ran in concentric circles,
I faced the stabs of time in face
Only to see the blows grow more fierce.
The last thing I saw before I closed my eyes
Were pieces of a life I dearly love.

Much to destiny's surprise,
I crawled back on my feet.
Crying out those piercing tears is better than dying slowly, keeping them inside.
Here, I stand, with eyes wide open
Fearless, in my cloak of charm,
And I am looking for something that time washed away
I'm snatching back My Smile.

In the worst of times, I breathed in calm.
In moments when I was on verge of breaking, I held on to my faith.
Today, I break-free from the stale inhibitions,
And walk on with my head held high.
I've lived a long time for everyone else
Guess, this time this love and care is Mine.

Arms stretched, I embrace the sky
and with that I blow heavens a million kisses,
For making me this strong that I don't melt easy again.
Standing before the mirrors in everyone's eyes today,
I see a Winner.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

A little more...

Waking up seems weird
When all my life I've slept
In the arms of my dreams.

Opening my eyes hurts
When they've been securely shut since ages
Overlooking anything displeasing.

Speaking about you drives me to tears
Coz it's been a while
since I took your name and let it pierce through my heart's walls.

But still I've woken up, only to sleep again someday
In every face I find the traces of a time gone by
and today I could sing out your name aloud
to let it hurt a little more
Dream a little more
Love a little more
Miss a little more
Wish a little more.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Words

Words.
The First words matter. Sure, the last ones are what take the limelight eventually. Be it the end of a discussion, a relationship or life's journey. The first words politely sit in the corner, watching what they gave way to. Waiting, maybe some day someone will actually remember them too.
But, do we?

What was the first word you ever spoke?
Which was the one you first wrote?
I ain't nobody to interpret what is the significance of your or, for that matter, my first words. But, I am just trying to share a thought that happened to strike me out of no where.

We sometimes end ties with people for they ended up saying something too hurtful for us to absorb. Whatever happened to those first words that binded you to them? They stand etched in time. Never looked back on. Very much there but forgotten.

The first words that were exchanged between you and a best friend you totally forgot about, over the years.
The first words that turned a crush to someone you ended up loving with all your heart.
The first words that triggered the argument wherein you lost him.
The first words shared with a random stranger who, today, is your best friend.
The first words of a song that made you not hit 'shuffle'.
The first and only words exchanged with someone you happened to meet in passing. Maybe those very words shine the brightest in his memories.
The first words of appreciation. They introduced you to Confidence.
The first words that made you realize rejection. Yes, those are the ones that made you strong enough to have fought your way out the storms of life.

On behalf of all those first words, and more, I just want to say: Remember us. We are very much there.


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Wishing it was...

You
lay awake
In those fractions of seconds
when the first rays of sun are still to reach the earth
when the darkness still wants to blanket you one last time
when you hug the pillow by your side
with tears in your eyes
wishing it was me.

&

I
lay awake
In those million minutes
of memories
when I saw you the very first time
when a little heart learned to beat to the rhyme of your name
when I hugged the pillow by my side
with a smile on my face
wishing it was you.


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Steel Feels!

This might be one of the simplest I ever penned down. Written a few months back. March, 2011 to be specific. Cheers!


The sky, the moon, the stars
My friends they are.

I've wished for you, for us on them
But times changed
I don't know How, why, when.

The best thing about yesterday was You
The best thing about today too, is You
What tomorrow brings, I can't predict
You're gone now, but my heart is still in conflict.

On this moonless night
I sit in the corner
trying to find my favorite star.
Beneath the clouded sky
I sit back, miss you
And together,
the sky and I
Cry.

I told you,
I'm stronger than steel
that's another story
that I never told you
This steel feels.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

...(and that's how I) DIVE!

Written this back in August, 2009. Some of you may have read it already. Cheers!


"Dad... I can't", she said wiping her tears as her mother hugged her. "One day you will honey..." and hummed a lullaby to her little girl who wept and finally slept. Like many other ten year olds, her dad is her Hero. Just a little difference that being a 7-time gold medalist in olympics, he was an inspiration for many.

The blues of the pool, the smell of chlorine in air, sitting in her mom's lap playing with her little 'duckey' while he swam are things still fresh in her mind. "She's a born swimmer" is what her dad said when she travesed the room doing the baby-breaststroke and not the usual crawl.

And now, up in the middle of the night, she looks at her new pink swim-set that her dad gifted her. Tears rolled down her eyes. "What's wrong with me?" and she cried herself back to sleep again.

She got up next day. It was the day of trials for THE RACERS, her school swimming team. She so wanted to be a part of it. She's been trying to swim but never got her basics right. Her dad did everything he could. He helped her himself, he enrolled her with the best trainers but no improvement. Sometimes she couldn't hold her breath for long, other times she just panicked and what hurt her the most was the booing and commenting by others..."Her dad is a champ. She's a loser." And they chanted "L-O-S-E-R" in chorus as she ran away to the changing rooms.

Today was a 'do-or-die' chance for her. She had decided that if she couldn't make it today, she'll accept that she can't swim and won't ever enter the pool again. Sporting her costume, she adjusted her swim goggles and ear plugs. On the first whistle she calmed herself, on the second she repeated,"I will do it" deep down her mind and heart. And on the third, she stepped forward to jump but she slipped and fell back. For a few seconds everything faded... Then someone said "LOSERRRR...."

She stood up and walked away from the pool.. Forever.


It has been ten years since that day. She gave it up, crushed her dreams to be a swimmer and started playing soccer. She is the captain of SHOOTING STARS- her college soccer team since three years now. But off and on in the back of her mind she still wanted to swim. It was the ONE thing she wanted to defeat one day.

"Kiki, you coming with me?" called her dad. "Yeah dad! I can't miss this for the world". Her dad was being awarded for the outstanding swimmer he had been over the years. Having won 15 gold and 4 silver medals, he was a LEGEND.

After the ceremony, she headed to the afterparty at the pool with her mom and dad. Someone dared her dad, "Hey Rob, aint got anything left in 'yeh muscles huh? What's with the silvers?" He was an old competitor who too represented the country but never really won anything for years. With this, Rob stripped off his shirt and jumped in the freezing pool...

He didn't resurface.

"Dad, enough... come out now", Kiki shouted. People stood glued to the spot. For them it was just another 'DARE-ME' stuff. Deep underwater, Rob struggled. He hadn't been fit for previous years' olympics. He was advised rest. The freezing water did something to him. He felt a sudden STOP. His heart wasn't beating. And he was slowly going dizzy. He thought he heard Kiki's faint voice... Fading!

Something inside Kiki snapped. Rob was nowhere.

"Call the lifeguard GOD DAMMIT!!!", she screamed and then not waiting for the consequences, did what she never did in ten years. She took a deep breath and jumped. She heard her mom shout "Noooooo..." but she didn't care. Her HERO, her POP was in there...

The water was freezing... She held on. All she wanted was her dad. She swam her way through the 33 ft deep pool... searching for a sign him... And then she saw his hand and her movements sped up."I'm here dad... I'm here", her heart whispered and she held on to him and began her way up... Within a minute or so she brought him back to the pool side. The lifeguards arrived the minute she was up and took charge along with the doctors.

Sitting outside the ICU with her mom by her side, she with a broken voice, prayed...

"Been with you ... through the years
It's better everyday, you've kissed my tears away
Daddy I love you... never go away...please”

"He'll be fine.." was the last she heard before dashing in and holding his hand again. He winked and smiled her favourite smile and slowly said,"I told your mum... My Kiki is a born swimmer".. and she hugged him!


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

you can take my breath away...

Written this back in March, 2010. Some of you may have read it already. Cheers!


She just saw the most beautiful sunset of her life, clicked so many pictures today... Now all by herself, she was happily driving up the mountain with 'Hero' playing in the background...Nothing could be better..."I ♥ u too", she involuntarily said and smiled coz she didn't know what made her say it just then.


At that very moment, the breaks of her car failed...


Doors centrally locked, with tears running down her cheeks she tried to steer away from the edge... Tried so damn hard... Shrieking of tyres is all she heard before she knew she was finally FALLING...
.
.
.
.
.
Sitting in his room, he was smiling as he browsed through her profile and read comments on her photographs... She was the best 'Gift' he could ever wish for, he said.
He missed her...


Unknowingly that scene flashed through his head. The last time he had seen her...


"I'll come back in a blink...", she said and flashed a sweet smile winking.


Looking at her photograph fighting his tears, he slowly said, "I ♥ u"..!


*I ♥ u too*...


He turned around... He looked here and there... "Did I just hear her...!??" :o


"Guess I am going mad now...", he laughed.
.
.
.
.
.
She closed her eyes... She knew it was gone...!
For a moment then, she felt cheated...from life.
All those dreams, all those memories, He...being snatched away!
.
.
.
She could feel the car going down...and down... She hastily picked up her phone and dialled!
.
.
.
He ran for his phone as he heard HER favorite song's tone...
"I can be your hero baby, I can kiss away the pain"... and He picked up...
.
.
"Hiiii...!!!", almost dancing, he said...
.
.
Humming the song's ending lines as it played in her car, she said,
"I will stand by you forever, You can take my breath away..."
"you can take my breath away"...
.
.
"Esparanzaa...!!! What happ......"
.
.
*and the car explodes*...


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Time

Carelessly he wiped his eyes
not realizing, after ages, today, he was crying.
He shrugged and politely smiled
As he slowly gave her away
to the one who introduced them
to the one who bound them
to the one who drew them apart
to the one who was counting down the beats of his heart...
Time.

For the very first time, that night
she badly wanted to but didn't cry,
The last thing she saw shine
was the one that sparkled the last in his eyes,
The ghost of her last smile
camouflaged those tears her eyelashes contained.
We laid them together, side by side
with the fragrance of flowers and love verses that rhymed,
Separated in life
Love bound them forever...
in TIME.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Porque te quiero así...

Can't keep my eyes off you
Can't keep my mind off you
My talks revolve around you
all the time.
I breathe in
this perfume of love,
I live
for the moments
you kick back the world
and stay.
I am pretty damn sure of one thing
while I stitched up
passion and happiness
together to a seam
in sleep,
You popped up
that night
in my dream.

Don't wanna miss a moment looking away
Don't wanna let any second crawl
For I've loved this all
this fall
in love,
that stroll
in the cold,
your hand
in mine,
my eyes
on you,
the drizzle
and then pour,
your run for shelter
and my excuses to drench more.

Your name must be the synonym of happiness
for whenever I say it
a million butterflies
flutter
tingling me inside,
a million stars light up
reminding me of the sparkle
in your eyes,
a million seconds
stand hypnotized.

For you
I've been crazy all these years
With you
every moment is as sweet as the kiss
when the countdown goes 3-2-1 at New Year's.
I can go on and on
about how I feel home
when you are around,
Every time
I pray
I wish
this craziness in me for you
that smile on your lips
this togetherness we share
the love between us
stays
for always.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Through...!

It was raining crazy
for it was monsoon,
with headphones on
lost in the music
and too busy stealing glances at you,
the skipped heartbeats
the butterflies
the stutters
the flutters
I never noticed pass by.
Coz every time you blinked your eyes
it set free in me limitless fireflies
and every time you looked at me
I was mesmerized.
You smiled,
I smiled.

As autumn arrived
nature cast its spell
leaves left trees barren
one by one they fell.
I defied nature
for my love blossomed manifold.
My heart on my sleeve I wore
An unseen path of life I set on to explore.
I woke up happy each morning
for behind these closed eyes
I lived beautiful dreams every night.
Every prayer started with your name
and I wished your happiness on stars.
For you were my heart's choice
unprecedented actions followed,
I expressed
for love is too beautiful to suppress
or hide.

With fingers intertwined
staring in each others eyes
so many blinking games
you let me win!
Racing through downpours
standing by each others side in odds
This crazy stupid love story
I dearly loved.
The differences made us see things in new light
we grew stronger with every clash, every fight.
Life's play list was set to something
the beauty of which my words can't define.
It was a walk on the clouds
with you by my side
as everything sparkled
and rhymed.

The wind changed direction
I felt the chill in your eyes
We walked together
minus words
as a million miles
separated our hearts
and froze us forever in time.
I was too hopeful to understand
that the days were over when I was yours
and you were mine.
I stood up nights
fighting with the skies.
With unanswered questions
and reasons undefined
I crept to the darkest corners
and missing you,
I cried.

In search of those tiny traces of us
I traveled to all the places we had ever been
not caring of the hurt they caused
for each glimpse of you was the living personification of love.
And once in a while when I met common friends
sharing pleasantries I forced myself to smile through it all
Your name in the conversation drew me to tears
brushing it off saying "something got into my eyes!"
I took to a secluded corridor
away from the questions,
"We'll be fine!"
to myself,
I lied.

I stand on cross roads today
hanging to every moment since you chose to go silent on me
a silence that stabs each living second of my life.
I had dark sides to me
but when it comes to you, I was always true.
As I killed the self-created demons inside
I yearned for your hand for support.
I resurrected my life from the scratch
and hoped one day you will take me back.
But every dream shattered to dust
For you gave up on me too soon.
Never did you care to see
that from deep down my heart and everything I had
to make up for my doings
I apologized,
I really tried.

I knock your door tonight
to not plead you to take me in.
I seek the boy I loved
to let him know
that his dearest wish came true
for the girl who kept holding on
finally fell through
and that
tonight is the night
for him
I died.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Disclaimer: This photo is a copyrighted property of Catalina Fedorova.

She knows...

For everything you ever promised her is falling apart
She stops abruptly mid-sentence having said your name
Her eyes try hard to out the molten pain.
The face that once carried a contagious smile
today tells the story of a shredded heart.

It's hard to tell if she ever sleeps
Coz her eyes hardly blink and forever search
the one person out of the world she chose to love
The one that left her
for another.

And if you ever ask a girl
how can she make out the slightest differences,
the little things that eyes skip
and the ones that are blanketed by powerful lies
the only answer she can ever give you
is what she sees in your eyes.

For when you hold her hand to leave it someday
she knows.
For when she searched your eyes for herself
she saw her.
For when she said she loved you
she meant it.
For when you kiss her but don't mean it
she knows.

But despite all odds if she stays
She still holds your hand whispering 'forever'
You know she is strong
For she has known everything for long
And you would finally realize what she is, was
the day she walks away,
the day she is gone.

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Follow her and you will find the sea...

That little old house with a garden on the side
for more than five decades I have called mine.
Since the day I opened my eyes to the world
she has been my support system, my guide.
I pondered way long back, through everything I ever saw, heard
she was my first sound,
She is my first memory.

With a kite-shaped bag on my back
clothes, shoes everything new
I stepped in a school for the very first time
I wasn't even two.
They laughed as I stuttered, was nervous as I spoke
I stood there blank, while a little heart fluttered and broke.

On my way back, I met her
She looked back at me with reciprocation of everything I felt
Without a word she listened as I narrated my day
Gave me water to calm me down and wipe the tears away.

I plucked a rose from the bush in the driveway
put on the best suit I had
Today was the day I finally decided to propose the girl
I loved, from afar.

I reached her place and knocked but no one answered the door
I stood there all day, I wasn't going to give up hope.
Finally at midnight a car came by
A dejected, teary-eyed old man hopped out, I reckon, her father
'I came to meet Kate, Sir...' and before I could say any more
He stopped me mid-sentence and with a sigh murmered 'she eloped.'

Heartbreak it was, everyone said
then why everything in the world appeared shattered
She walked by me, wordlessly as I sat down
breathless, battered.

They say the best friendships are the ones
where silence voices out everything desired
She was the epitome of care and patience
In a beautiful relationship we were wired.

Such was her presence in my life, I can never explain
She brought me back from the dead a million times
With every word I poured in her, she drank in all my pain.
If ever a day comes when you find I'm gone
take me to her because she is where I belong.

.
.
.

We scattered his ashes in her
she wept and with all her love took him in
A friend, A giver, A lover
Today, the world knows her as Ms. River.


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Be Mine...!

Wrote it as a song, a few months back.

Yet again day drowned in night
It's 3am, I'm amidst a fight
Heart wishes to see you one last time
Mind is playing tricks, thanks to the wine.

A colorful life turned black and white
The once 'forever together' fell apart
Few more hours and I'll be on that flight
making it the last nail in this coffin, the final dart in my heart.

[Chorus]
Closing my eyes,
I try, I try
To not picture your face
It makes me cry
Your name echoes as the background score of my life
As I take a deep breath, say goodbye and fly.

Frustrated, drained and confused
One by one I load the bags in my car
Stood there for a while
A little dazed, a little teary eyed
Locked the door
and many memories inside
Picked up my acoustic guitar
and drank the last swig of emotions that oozed.

The journey to a life without you, begins
And frankly, I can't define the way it pains.

[Chorus]
Closing my eyes,
I try, I try
To not picture your face
It makes me cry
Your name echoes as the background score of my life
As I take a deep breath, say goodbye and fly.

The plane started the run to the sky
Everything shook, only I trembled a little more
Guess it's the all-drink, no-sleep side effect
Or the realization of the 'love so perfect'
That I was leaving behind.

And my phone buzzed
I almost dropped it out of disbelief
Seeing his name, flash on the screen
Was a 'wish come true moment',
a sweet relief.

I fumbled between a 'Hey' and 'Hi'
Came out sounding more like 'Heey-I'
Lost in the beautiful maze
He had be dumbstruck when he said
"Don't leave, the best is yet to be...
Come back, grow old with me..."

[Chorus]
Closing my eyes,
I didn't have to try
Picturing us together
I had the brightest smile
His voice echoed filling back the colors, the light
"Hold my hand, Be mine."


© 2011 Neha Choudhry
(written on: Feb 1, 2011)

...you wished I was around!

Every now and then
I find a reason to make myself believe
no matter where I am today
no matter what I am,
as you reach out to turn off the alarm
every morning
you wish I was around.

Every moment, here and there
in interstitial spaces of time
no matter what you do
no matter the distances between us,
as you pass by an ice cream vendor
memories make you ask for two
and as you return one.
With a helpless smile
you wish I was around.

Every year on my birthday
as my friends text you a wish with a wink,
no matter how much you want to
no matter what happened between us
as you start to dial my number
half-way through, you put the phone down.
A tear trickles down your cheek
with a deep sigh
you wish I was around.

Every place that tells a story of us
is the one you never set your foot on,
no matter what all you do to avoid it
no matter how much you want to
We both know that it kills you
coz in your heart you long to
go there sometime
if only I show up.
With a sincere prayer on your lips
you wish I was around.

That day when I held your hand
I promised you love for n-lifetimes,
no matter who you finally choose to be with
no matter if it's not even me
as today, you put on that suit
the one in pocket of which awaits a ring.
You play your life back and forth
and picture the moment in your mind
as she holds out her hand
you choke as tears cloud your eyes
with a speechless, wordless desire
you wished she was me,
you wished I was around.


© 2011 Neha Choudhry

Story of a Lifetime!

It's night and it's pouring

the only sound I hear is the tipper-tap

not to mention it's my birthday

another one I gulp down, just like that!

It's not that I didn't want to celebrate

but more like everyone I know bailed out,

Here I am, giving myself funny toasts for life

in one hand a glass, in the other, a knife.

.

.

To cut the cake, of course.

The phone *rings* to prove it's existance

I pick up and someone hangs up,

And then the door and the phone decide to sing together

I run for the door yelling all the possible variations of 'Hello'

in the phone where nobody speaks, yet again

And I just ate, drank, digested my words

Standing by the open door is the guy, Mr.M.

All my life I have loved.

A beautiful birthday night, ain't it?

I am standing in over-sized tee and pajamas

and one green slipper on

I don't remember where the hell the other one's gone.

He said 'Hey' and then 'Happy Birthday'

And I gazed at him as if time just went back,

The same twinkling eyes, the same teasing smile

Only it was his birthday, not mine.

I invited him in and he said 'You', pointing towards me, 'out of that house, Now!'

Puzzled, I was, but that smile didn't leave my face

He took it as a 'Yes'...

And with the knife, the phone, the one green slipper, pajamas on

I was in the passenger seat of a car

not mine, but of the guy I want to belong to.

'Is he kidnapping me?'

'Are you a kid, for starters, lady?'

'Shut up!!!'

'Is he real, am I dreaming?'

'Where is he taking me?'

Oh, that was my mind debating, by the way,

After driving for 'a century' it seemed, the car screeched to a halt.

My name was being whispered succeeded by a 'wake up'

and I got up with a jolt.

'How long was I out?', I asked

'Umm... about a couple of hours'

His hand brushed hair away from his eyes

'We're here, let's go'...

Singing 'Where? Who? What?' behind him

I too, tagged along.

'Wasn't this the house I googled for ever?

'Isn't this fence I tried to make the 'pointer' leap through?'

'No, this can't be it. Impossible!!!'

I heard a doorbell, I heard footsteps

I heard the door knob and then 'someone' that took away my breath!

Do you too have moments when you mind has the ':-O' expression?

Were you ever so surprised that you danced at your place for a millisecond and then fainted?

And the best, have you been woken up to senses by someone you hero-worshipped all your life,

that too on your birthday night?

I was woken up by the unique pronunciation of my name

from the voice that sung me a lullaby for a million nights.

'This all is happening, is it?', I asked

and opened one eye to make sure.

Mr.E. smiled the smile I saw in photographs

and every moment there on, I treasure.

The candles were lit

The cake was in place

my knife was wrapped up and presented to me,

I raised my eyes, in the candle light

saw them both, singing 'Happy birthday' in unison.

On the verge of crying, I was too overwhelmed to react

Whoever said wishes were just wishes, all this and more was in reply to that.

I still was in a daze, as we hit the road again

A dream had just come true, all thanks to Mr.M.

And just when I thought the night couldn't get any better

the tipper-tap started again,

I rolled down the windows and let the rain come in.

He stopped the car, once again

I looked around, in middle of nowhere, it was

He stepped out, I did too.

I looked at him, he was looking at me too.

There were no questions asked

just confessions from the heart.

He held out a case

I held out my hand

the ring fit Perfect!

And thus began the Story of a Lifetime!

© 2011 Neha Choudhry

The Prince's Tale

Hiding in the bushes
I watched her smile
as she giggled while she talked
wearing a rose colored frock.
As she went up high on the swing
her green eyes sparkled with joy
I wished to know her
I longed to be her friend
talk to her
dawn to dusk
dusk to dawn
be with her
until time is through.

Little did she know
Wizardry was her world
with magic running in her
she wasn't the usual, normal girl.
When I broke it to her that she was a witch
she ran away,
I stayed there all night
wondering why no one ever cared,
why I never had a friend,
why was I always left alone
in despair.

Lost in my thoughts
I didn't hear her coming
She came and sat beside me.
Her curious green eyes
questioned me
"So is it true?",
she stuttered at 'Witch'
I nodded in agreement
and she smiled without a twitch.
She told me she kind of knew it
but couldn't put into words.
Her sister called us a freak
and we had no care in the world.
We were best of friends
sharing a life, a dream, a destination
and magic.
We were together
dawn to dusk
dusk to dawn
I longed to hold her hand
and tell her
I will love her
until time is through.

Hogwarts, it was
finally we had arrived,
we were sorted in different houses
but these little things we didn't mind.
She got close to another
and I watched them sometimes
a fire burned through me
I couldn't stand her away
and in a fury, a passing moment
I said things all my life, I've regret.
If only I didn't call her a 'mudblood'
If only I could make her understand
I wouldn't have been this heartless, this cold
and together we could grow old.

She married him, I heard
I tried to not show I cared
but when I learned she was in danger
I couldn't keep away, withhold.
And she tried saving him
a little boy of one
I could have hated him all my life
had it not been her son.
That night in Godric's Hollow
I took her in my arms
with tears raining my love
I poured my heart out
I told her I loved her
all along,
I longed to hear her
but she was gone.

My dawns dusked forever
time indeed was through,
I vowed to save her son from the dark
I knew she wanted him safe too.
He had the face I most despised
but somewhere in him, she shined
No matter how much I hated James
No matter how much I tried to hate the little boy
every time I saw his green eyes
I thawed, I cared for him too.

Never before today
I bared my soul
Anonymously I've looked after him
cared the way she would want to,
I wore a cloak of hatred
but my heart never let the embers of love fade.
As I close my eyes today
I wished to see her one last time
with tears in those green eyes
when he looked at me
I saw Love
I saw Lily.

I never could say it
I never even dared
I never knew I possessed
so much love to share.
Before my heart stops
as I breathe in my last
I want her to know
I have loved her
All this time
In life and death
Always.


© 2011 Neha Choudhry